Forleden sad jeg hos min bankrådgiver. Vi havde et møde om fremtiden og hvad der var muligt for sådan en som mig. Min situation havde ændret sig og der var opstået muligheder, jeg ikke havde forventet. For ser du, 2018 blev året, hvor jeg gik fra at være arbejdsløs til pludselig at arbejde mere end 37 timer om ugen. Selvom mit arbejde ikke lige har den berøringsflade, jeg havde forventet, er det en god start på et meget langt arbejdsliv.

Så her finder du mig, midt i scenen der afgør mit liv i tal. Jeg er ikke dårligt stillet og kan forhåbentlig foretage investeringer i 2019, der cementerer min fremtid. Men midt i gennemgangen af min økonomiske profil, peger min bankrådgiver på en post, der er lidt højere end de andre udgifter. Han spørger mig, hvad det drejer sig om, og jeg forstår, hvor uigennemskueligt det må synes fra hans side af bordet. Alle de andre poster giver mening. Men denne. Den er anderledes. “Det er min tiende.” svarer jeg ham uden helt at tænke mig om. For med et lyder jeg næsten en lille smule sekterisk. Jeg kan forestille mig, at hans tanker begynder at flirte med og huske scener fra den nye dokumentar “Guds bedste børn”. Det er svært at forklare, hvordan jeg giver til min kirke, hvor andre giver til gode formål.

Men i dette øjeblik slog det mig, hvor normalt det er blevet for mig. Hvor stor en selvfølgelighed der ligger i at ti procent af min indkomst går til den kirke jeg befinder mig i for tiden.

Imens jeg gik hjem, ned langs Østerbrogade, indså jeg, hvor langt jeg er kommet i forhold til dengang i januar 2017, hvor jeg første gang trådte ind på eventyret det har været at betale tiende. Dengang mødte jeg modstand – velmenende stemmer der troede det var noget min kirke var begyndt at kræve af mig.

Samtidig hørte jeg historier om, hvordan andre havde oplevet økonomiske velsignelser af at betale tiende. Jeg selv gik ikke ind i det med den indsigt, selvom jeg ikke skal lægge låg på ved at påpege, hvor meget jeg ville have sat pris på et økonomisk mirakel. Jeg gik ind i det af den simple årsag, at jeg ville tættere på Gud, ikke fordi min (ultimativt seje btw) kirke tvang mig. Sandheden er bare, at jeg dengang – såvelsom i dag – var, og er, velstillet på alle leder og kanter. Jeg har ikke på den måde brug for et økonomisk mirakel.

Men jeg gik hjem med en bevidsthed om to ting. For det første hvor meget en vane det er blevet at sætte pengene til side. Det er en del af min måde at lovprise min Gud på. Det er min måde, at søge ham først i noget så kedeligt som mine økonomiske forhold. Men for det andet, så gik det op for mig, at jeg helt klart ikke havde de vilde ting at fortælle og mirakler om finansielle mirakler. Men hvor havde jeg meget at bekymre mig om rent økonomisk, før jeg gjorde det – i forhold til, hvor lidt jeg bekymrer mig om mine økonomiske forhold i dag. Jo, jeg har fået arbejde og tjener væsentligt anderledes den dag i dag end hvad jeg har gjort tidligere. Men økonomiske forhold har bekymret mig uanset hvordan min økonomi så ud. I dag er det blot noget der skal gøre, at jeg kan leve og jeg glæder mig over, at kunne være gavmild. Det rør mig ikke. Jeg lærte, at selvom der var lutter 0’er på min konto, kunne jeg sagtens få enderne til at mødes.

Jeg ser ikke længere værdi i min økonomi. Det er blot et af tandhjulene i det klokkeværk der er mit liv. Den største faktor der får mit liv til at fungere, er Gud.

Jeg blev ikke rig af at lægge min økonomi i hans hænder. Jeg kan ikke vidne om vilde, uforklarlige, sindsyge mirakler. Men for mig, er dette et mirakel i sig selv. At værdisættelsen i mit liv langsomt flytter sig fra denne verden til noget der er langt vigtigere og har større betydning. Forhåbentlig kan mine drømme og fremtidige investeringer hjælpe Gud med at hjælpe flere mennesker.

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This month has a special mark in the calendar for me. Not only because it is the month of my birthday, but also because it is marked as the 12th month of consistently paying tithe to my church and to a few good causes of my choice. Once upon a time I began because a pastor in church dared us all to “…test God in this” and challenged me. Now I can’t even remember why. It is something I do, a habit. It is something that physically sort of places my life in Gods hands. I trust him with my finances and with everything that can bring me. Money is sort of the key to life here in this world, and by giving money to church and to the few good causes I support, I am giving to something I believe in. But I also place my trust in God, that he will provide. That he will take care of me in everything that money can give: A home, food on the table, clothes and so forth. I place my trust in the fact that he will lead me and guide me.

I have heard many stories of miracles. Stories of people who trusted God with their finances by tithing and suddenly their prayer was answered in specific areas. I have no such stories. But I do find myself content with what I have. A deep contentment I haven’t felt before. A peaceful feeling of not needing more. Of course a lot of things will be able to develop and happen, once I get a job. I haven’t stopped dreaming of the future, and what it withholds for me: A job and my own place maybe. But I don’t feel envious or greed when I hear about other peoples investing in design furniture or a fancy car. I don’t need fancy, smart or modern. I need God, the rest is just features that may look good in a future apartment.

I still spend too much though and there is a long way to go before I stop overspending. But I overspend on the things that matter to me: Time with my family and friends and traveling. It means that I went all out for New Years eve even though it was only me and my sister. I went all out for my birthday as well. Because I want to. Because I looove cooking and I love doing it for the people I deeply care about. It means that the “hang-over” days are spent on eating left overs and trying to spend as little as possible. I guess that is how I priorities, which means that there are other things that I cannot priorities right now. And I think that is one of my main realisations. That when you are focusing on your economy – it is important to have in mind, what one’s priorities and dreams are. And striving for them means sacrificing on other ends. What is important? What don’t I need?

I was reminded of a verse in the bible. That one where Gods giving “clothe” to the flowers on the meadow and takes care of the birds. The one that reminds me of the fact that if he provides for the flowers, the trees, the birds – why wouldn’t he take care of me? I mean he created man in his image. He gave his only son for us. For me. Why wouldn’t he take care of me. My situation. My finances. I remember times where he did. I remember situations I could only explain in the “God equation”. Then why is it so difficult for me to trust that he will not take care of me now?! I guess there are still things that I need to work on, and as I will be giving in the end of this month I will once more remind myself of how great God is and how I need to place my trust in him. He knows best.

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“One gives freely, yet gains even more. Another withholds unjustly, and comes to poverty” Proverbs 11:24

15th of October: I was reminded of this verse this sunday. It just captures the journey I’ve been on this year.
I’ve learned that there is so much more to gain than good fortune and wealth, by being generous and give freely.
I’ve learned that being generous means getting in control of one’s economic situation (yet to happen). And that getting control of one’s finances does not make one greedy, but able to be free of the grip that money and wealth can have on you, and the ability to give more.
I’ve learned so much, and I still have a lot to learn. I’m not done with this part of my life, and never will. But I guess I needed this year of realising how much control money can have.

And, by the way, I think, only the ones giving freely will understand this verse. I believe the ones that does not practice giving, will never understand the limitations having money enough to buy everything of one’s desire.

And, I think I haven’t completely understood the truth that lies within this verse.

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21st of September: This month, on the road towards ‘ungreediness’, if thats even a word, I was reminded of one thing: contentment. I have in so many situations said: “When I get my first pay check!” After so many times of saying just that, a friend reminded me, to be carefull not saying that about everything. Sometimes you need new socks, new trousers or what else.

In church they have had focus on how to get a healthy economy, and it made me think. To me this journey of paying tithe is just as much about getting a healthy relationship with my economy, recognising that I believe God made me a steward of this life and this economy, as it is about getting rid of the greed that slumbers inside of me. All in all, it is about learning to be content with what I have. Not seeing the things I cannot have, but focusing on all the things I can. I want a generous mindset, and to have that I must get rid of the part of my mind that wants more.

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3rd of August: Despite temptation, I felt relieved once the tithe-money was of my account. My new method has given me some freedom, because it brings awareness as to how much I have to spend on food. Plus it helps that I am not commuting these weeks. I find it easier finding the cheapest way out, when not feeling sorry for myself having to take the train back home, thus, allowing myself to buy expensive coffee or snacks. Furthermore, my Rema1000 Vigo-plan (sorry, only in Danish) is also helping out. To sum up, I basically made a deal with myself to not to buy candy or chips or coffee unless I have helped out via this Danish app where you bring out groceries for people who can’t pick them up themselves. It is so much easier to tell yourself not to buy stuff when you remind yourself what you have to do in order to give in to your fantasy-hunger for sugar and chips. Suddenly I can stand there in the store telling myself that I don’t need it anyway. I hope this feeling will expand to the Kat-Marly-Cranky-Where-Is-My-Evening-Snacks-personality?

20th of August: It is not that I have everything in control regarding economy. But these days I find my mindset being different. By having focused on the way money control me and actually having a budget that will help me, not only now but in my future as well, money does not have the same hold of my life as it used to. I do not worry as much, because I know it’ll be alright in the end. Despite making a lot of plans and restrictions to the way I spend my money, I find that the only true way I can help my future self, is to learn from my past mistakes, and move forward. Despite not having the same freedom as many others have, I am not poor. I am just in a season where money is scares and I have to not loose focus on whats important. Its a process, and some day it will be easier to not give in to my impulsive needs and keep focus on future-importances.

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4th of July: Trying something new. Something new have to happen at this point. Since I cannot administer the thought of what I actually have to spend, withdrawing the money I have for food weekly seems like the only way forward. Actually having my “food-money” in the hands makes it so real. Several times on my way home after a long day at my internship I’ve had to remind myself that I cannot afford ice-cream on a daily basis if I shall be able to afford eating the rest of the week. It’s amazing what actual money in my wallet has done to my reality sense. But many things is yet to happen. I will get back to you on this.

On the other hand, I was reminded what all of this was really about last sunday. Because while juggling food-money and my intense desire for Ben&Jerry’s Dairyfree ice-cream (unreachable… I have to go to the US to even buy it), someone said to me on tithing:

It’s not a money thing, it’s a God thing.

And that’s in the end what I wanted out of this years experiment: Letting my eyes fixating on God instead of getting lost in the desires money can foster.

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5th of June: Many things have been through my mind this month already. Not that I have everything in control. I really don’t. But I just realised how lucky I am, despite finding it difficult making the ends meet. Despite the fact that my economic situation does not line up with my material desires (superficial I am, sorry). But I guess that is where I’m learning most. I don’t need an entirely new wardrobe – there are people in the world who cannot even afford shoes.

As I was walking on my way home, I realised that paying 10 percent of my income made me a better steward of what little I have left. I say better – because I am still improving. I have a long way ahead and many difficulties facing my finances. But for the first time in a long times, I feel my shoulders is down, in relaxed mode. I do not have endless amounts of funds, but I have enough to make things go around at the end of the month. I have enough to help my sister – not solving her problems, but help her with gaining the possibility of finding a way out of her momentary fights. Despite this effort has cost me more than I would like to admit, I do not blame her. I fastly shot that greed-feeling aside and argued to my self, that this was somewhere I could help her, help herself. I don’t think solving someone else’s problems is the way.

Sometimes the best help one can give another is not a ride over the mountain, but help finding the right method to conquer it oneself!

Shortly said, I was in awe of the fact that I was able to be of help to another, while giving 10 percent of my money away and still be able to make rent, pay the bills and buy delicious food! I have nothing to complain about! And while pondering this for myself looking out of the window into the grey, dull Dane weather, I suddenly felt the need to burst out “Praise the lord” in the middle of the very crowded bus.

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21st of May: Ok, my project sucks. Not the tithing. But everything surrounding it. I am not administrating my life that well and I think I need a changed mindset in order to actually being able to. Because not being able to say no to coffee-trips and movies in the movie-theatre and so forth does not go hand in hand with spending too much money on “luxury food”. Despite the fact that I have cut down on my spendings on candy, chips and icecream this month, the alternatives are just so expensive at times.

So new plan, in June, I am to make weekly plans of dinner and lunch – and only to buy according to those lists. Furthermore, I am to only buy candy and chips on Fridays.

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April 1st, 2017: I suck. It’s that simple. I know things are tight and I still go to McD and buy fries on a hunch. Come on. I’m a grown woman! A grown-up, independent woman! With that being said, there was a little nag as I mobilepayed my tithe to the church. Imagine, I could’ve saved it. Not spend it. But let’s face it. I would have spend them anyways, and that is where I will put my effort in the next while. Learning myself to spend less and give more.

April 15th, 2017: My sister gave me a valuable lesson today. Without her knowledge of course. We sat there, in her couch, watching a really good series on Viaplay (Shannara), while she’s painting my nails with her very expensive nail polish. And that’s where it hit me. I realized that greed does not only stick out its ugly face regarding money and giving them away. It can have an influence in other aspects as well. For instance, my sister spends a lot of money on buying the right nailpolish, the right kind of make up and so forth. But if you ask whether you can borrow some, she will say yes in an instant, no hesitation. I would’ve wondered how much money I spent on this piece of thing before even considering giving some away. Depending on the person asking. To me, my sister is awesome and generous, Someone you can rely on. If I ask she would gladly drive me around, without asking money for gas and such. She pulls out her most expensive make up, to paint my face. That’s just how she is, and I need to learn from her. No questions asked, just say yes!

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6th of March, 2017: Giving was very easy this month. Actually, despite having foreseen a very dull month due to financial shortage, I have enjoyed life. Unfortunately it was the month my phone decided to go dark on me and I suddenly needed to have it fixed. But, because of savings and careful spending, that was fixable too. But what have surprised me the most is that I did not think twice about giving. I had to – that’s the deal – and I am glad to. The church is a bit more my church when you not only invests time in it – but also invests financially.

I am not going to lie to you. It still annoys me not having the possibility to think freely and I still frequently say to myself, “When I get my first job I need to fix/buy this”. The list is endless but whenever someone asks specifically what I want, I suddenly find it difficult to remember again. And I guess that’s it. I don’t need whatever it is I pointed at about a week ago, if I can’t remember it a week after. Despite everything, I really need a job. I really do. I am going insane. INSANE! But, that’s another blog.
My trip to Atlanta had me thinking about generosity also. My friends are generous, and they inspired me on that note as well. In my travel into a life less determined by greed, a generous life is a good way to drive off as well. My brother has always been good at this, whereas I become a ‘miserly’ old lady inside. I hate that. I want to be able to spend money on people I love, people I care about and be able to support them when they need it. I loved just telling my brother yesterday at a café, that I was going to pay for this. I will have to have my eyes and mind open for opportunities in that section, and my inner miserly old lady kept quiet.

20th of March, 2017: As easy it has been to give this month, as difficult its been to keep reason in my finances. I was proud of myself in the beginning of the month, but as time went the more my normal act of spending with my eyes shut came to the surface. It is times like these where I look back on this month and wonder what would have happened, if I had actually spend with reason. But a new possibility to do better is coming up and I am looking forward to the possibility. I guess it is only when I spend with reason in my personal finances that I can live generously towards the people I care about.

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