Here the other day, I called a close friend. It was with an impulsive request to join me to watch a play at a theatre nearby. Just within 15 minutes I was called up myself and had been given two tickets. She declared, she couldn’t because the boyfriend and her had plans to share the evening together. I jokingly declared that she had become a tad relationshippy-boring – a comment that came out a bit more judgemental than I ment it to. It was meant as a loving joke. Because it all was last minute. It was understandable if she wasn’t in the mood for a spur of the moment thing. And btw she is not relationshippy-boring. Far from it actually. She is quite amazing.
It made me think about the difference between being single and being in a relationship. More specifically it made me think about an article I been meaning to read in eurowoman, that facebook so conveniently had advertised for in my news feed. An apparently happily coupled lady/woman talks about how difficult it can be to talk about the good things in her relationship to her single friends. Quite literally, she advices all single females to embrace the good things in their friends relationships, ask about them and so forth. It is all written from the not so single female point of view. Honestly, I find it kind of sad if she has a group of friends that are more interested in the intrigues and finding the bad things in her relationship more interesting than the good. Personally, I find it a bit (not to say humongously) generalised. Maybe an article ment to initiate a discussion on the subject. Not only have I listened to the hunky dory and pink sky happy things when my friends have gotten a new boyfriend – I embrace it and I ask about it. Because I actually thinks it is a naturally part of being a woman. We are all a bit oversharing at times, some would say annoying (actually the lady in the article her self find oversharing annoying). But eventually it evens out. the everyday life comes back and what made my friend’s heart burst with joy, is not so overflowing anymore. Actually, I’ve always told my friends, that if I were in their shoes I would be a hundred times more annoying than they are to me. Some day wind turns and it is my heart overflowing with annoying pink skies and flying elefants that they will have to listen to. That’s life. I admit to not having succeeded always with this principle. Here the other day a friend told me that another friend had finally found someone, she wants to see where things are going with. And my respons was: “OH, I’m the only single one left!” Truthfully, I talked to God once praying that she should find someone before I did. Because I don’t find single life annoying, and I wanted that blessing in her life. Prayer heard, I guess…
But sometimes, I also find that my not-so-single friends don’t always understand things from my perspective. I never imagined to be single now. In a once childhood fantasy I would be married by now and maybe had initiated the baby-production part as well. Things changed, and I am glad that, that fantasy did not come true. I have been given so many other things, that only a single-life could give. But sometimes. That little 7 year old girl pops up. And, well. It is not envy I feel. It is sorrow. It is grieving of a life I will never get. I will never be married before I’m 30. It’s a fact. And it is a sorrow that I think one should embrace, accept and act upon.
We should accept and listen to a friends relationship – in the good as well as the bad times. But we should also turn things around and accept and listen to the sorrow and the grief that can be in realising that the single friend does not have that right now. Being friends is always a two-way thing, and as in a relationship, sometimes we have to compromise in order to be there for each other.
I admit that my married and relationshippy friends might find me that annoying friend they cannot share the good times with right now. But it will turn. I will be back. Because deep down I know that, that life is not for me right now. It will all come in the right time. But now, I am grieving. I am grieving once again over the fairytale I never got – and never will get. And if I cannot share that with my friends, there is something wrong with the friendship – not me (and vice versa of course). The woman in Eurowoman ended the article by declaring that singles should hug their friends in a relationship and ask about it. Well, I would say it to be the other way around as well. Because you, not so single woman, might get acknowledgements and is caressed more than a few times a week by your significant other, your single friend is not. So go out their and compliment your friends hug them and make sure they feel appreciated. Because sometimes, the envy has nothing to do with the relationship. It has to do with a boundless need to feel seen, appreciated and caressed.
I guess we all need a hug, for different reasons. So let’s just agree to hug more people. 🙂