After yet another season of pain and sorrow over the things I did not get to have, I found myself reading Timothy Kellers book “The Meaning of Marriage” in order to figure what it was that I wanted and why. As I reached the end it dawned on me, that as much as I did want that kind of marriage…
I just didn’t want that right now.
So. What do you do when that one thing you’ve been giving yourself pain over for so long is the one thing you want, but just doesn’t feel ready to have? In a season of life when everyone else seemed to settle down, was it even socially acceptable as a Christian to not want to get married and have a family life right now? Would that mean that my chances would pass and never come back=
And, so began my first season of acceptance. I remember it not being a walk in a park, but it set me free from a lot of expectations I had of myself and gave me space to actually feel what I felt and not try to feel what I felt everyone expected me to as a believer at the end of my twenties.
Just because I accepted the state of things right at that moment, it didn’t mean I wanted it that way. It didn’t mean I was okay with being single. It just ment I found the ability to love life and accept it. I found the ability to accept the road I was on.
Loving singlelife doesn’t mean that it is set in stone that I will be single for the rest of my life… And thank God for that!
A year or so ago I found myself at my moms wedding, loving the irony that my mom got to experience that more than once, and I was still waiting. Pretty much every member of the distant family gave me “much needed advice”. One told me not to grow too comfortable. Another, to get moving.
That did not make me go home feeling cared for and comfortable enough to jump at any chance of a date. It made me go home crying, feeling uncomfortable, unloved and wrong.
The thing just is, that you can do everything right and still not hit jackpot. Finding someone is a miracle on it’s own. And yes, we do need to do what is natural in order for God to pull his overnatural, miracle way.
The thing just is, that I don’t want to settle for less. I want to be with that God-chosen one. And that takes time, work and a miracle.
At the end of the day, I have to be the one pulling myself up for every time yet another one has a band on that “leadership finger”. Yet another one turned out to have a girlfriend. Yet another one wasn’t interested in me like that. Yet another one found my boundaries too much. Not you.
And that is why I made a rule of acceptance in my single-chronicles:
Accepting life never makes any state of life permanent. It just makes it liveable. And a whole lot more fun to live!