The fireworks was already going crazy outside and there I was deep in my couch, loosing time while reading and researching. Walking about Copenhagen streets when darkness had fallen on this special day, I witnessed countless dinnerparties and well-dressed men and women eating and looking like they were having a good time. But, I would lie if I told you, I wanted to be a part of it.
“I cannot bear the thought of you alone on New Years” a friend of mine bursted out a couple of days ago. She was just one out of many who the past couple of weeks looked distraught, like our social-life depended on this very evening as I undramatically tried to explain that I was going to be at home, eat something nice, drink something cool and watching something stupid. And, that I was looking forward to it – quite a lot actually.
Getting to know me for me
It took me years trying to understand why this specific evening always left me feeling awkward and wrong. Why did this evening make me feel like that every year, but other times I found myself in similar settings – you know lovely dinner, dressed up nicely and good company – never did?
It took me years admitting my limits and accepting the fact that, that’s not me. I prefer getting people on a personal level rather than being on a dance-floor. I prefer laughing like crazy around the dinner-table drinking wine on a regular, spontaneous evening, rather than the forced “1-2-3 HAVE FUN” tension New Year’s brings.
I don’t suffer from severe FOMO, if I’m not a part of some big party, but I kind of do when I’m not part of everyday spontaneous fun relations or deep conversations.
The year that went and the year to come
Instead, I got a chance to ponder on the year that has been and the year to come. I leave a year I made big steps, had big highs followed by deep, dark lows, tried loving the trivial while dreaming bigger.
Looking back, I have to admit that I sometimes limit myself because I think too much. That many of my quarrels has to do with bad, unhealthy habits.
So this year I step into a year where I’ll try not to think too much about everything and just doing it. Instead of saying no, just accepting and seeing what happens. Though, I like being in the shadows and observing, I need to step onto center-stage of life more and be present. I don’t know how and what that will look like, but it just seems important to me this year.
Yes, I could add things such as working out, eating healthy and so forth. But things that are already a part of my everyday life doesn’t need to be a part of my New Years resolutions. Besides, resolutions is the quality of being determined or resolute (according to the dictionary), and that doesn’t have to be a New Years thing only – but a choice I can make during the year as well.
Besides, in the spirit of just doing it and stepping out more, I’m going to make 2020 start memorable and go to Budapest for a few days. So, this year can’t be totally bad with a beginning like that can it?