“We’re not gonna be able to be really with people if we are not able to be real about where we really are and say ‘we just really need you, Jesus'”
– Bob Goff.

Once upon a time, in a church in Denmark I was sitting in the choir. I had committed to singing that specific Sunday morning. I don’t remember why. But I had one of those moments where I just felt life sucked. I remember sitting almost up under the roof where the organ was, listening to the priest, having a moment with God just saying to myself “Ok. This sucks. So, I don’t believe in you anymore.” I don’t remember what the priest said. But I do remember having this clear feeling just moments after, that “huh, God. You just really love me. ” And my few moments as a non-believer passed.

It was almost as if God whispered to me, “but Kat, I just love you. ” And that was all I needed. In that moment.

I have never hidden to any of my friends – believers or not – that I don’t always agree with God. Actually, one time, at a wedding, I shared in a private moment with the bride, that God and I were fighting. We had a disagreement as to where I was supposed to be in life by now. She shared with me that she’d always wondered, why I kept holding on to my faith, when it seemed to be so hard sometimes and go against what I wanted. And I remember answering;

“because I know God’s the one being right in the end. I just need time to get there”.

The thing about faith is that people are watching you. Not just when things are going well.

It is so easy to point to God and tell your friends about all the things that are happening when things are going well. Just as easy as it is for people in a relationship to tell singles to “not waste time not enjoying singleness. Because once you get in a relationship…”

Now, don’t get me wrong. I do believe God can use every sphere his children are in, in his mission to bring people back to him.

But, I’ve learned that my faith tend to be the one thing people can’t stop noticing, when everything in my life just sucks, and I am still on my knees, praising God.

I may not remember a moment in life without God. I don’t have a crazy “coming to faith”-story or a story about how God’s healing during baptism.

God has been a constant companion throughout my life, as long as I can remember. What I believed and did back then may not necessarily be what I believe and do today. And, I’m not perfect. I am a sinner too. I may not have always been faithful to the road he is leading me towards, but I’ve always been loyal to it.

The thing just is, that there is just as much power in the story of a lifelong journey with God walking the road he’s leading me towards as any other faith-story. Because people notice.

A friend told me, that it was people like me, who kept holding on throughout their entire lives that led her to believe and trust, that, that “God-thing” might actually be true.

So. Don’t ever doubt that God isn’t using you. You may not notice. Sometimes it isn’t when you are pointing towards him, but when you are living your life trying to pass whatever bump your facing on the road of life. It may not always be the masks you let people see in public that makes people wonder. But it may be when you let the mask drop that they notice that you act what you preach.

In the end, we do not have to do anything but getting out of the way. God is in control. No matter what, walking with Jesus, people will notice. And I pray that, my actions will point them to him and be a light in their darkness, making them wonder.

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This month has a special mark in the calendar for me. Not only because it is the month of my birthday, but also because it is marked as the 12th month of consistently paying tithe to my church and to a few good causes of my choice. Once upon a time I began because a pastor in church dared us all to “…test God in this” and challenged me. Now I can’t even remember why. It is something I do, a habit. It is something that physically sort of places my life in Gods hands. I trust him with my finances and with everything that can bring me. Money is sort of the key to life here in this world, and by giving money to church and to the few good causes I support, I am giving to something I believe in. But I also place my trust in God, that he will provide. That he will take care of me in everything that money can give: A home, food on the table, clothes and so forth. I place my trust in the fact that he will lead me and guide me.

I have heard many stories of miracles. Stories of people who trusted God with their finances by tithing and suddenly their prayer was answered in specific areas. I have no such stories. But I do find myself content with what I have. A deep contentment I haven’t felt before. A peaceful feeling of not needing more. Of course a lot of things will be able to develop and happen, once I get a job. I haven’t stopped dreaming of the future, and what it withholds for me: A job and my own place maybe. But I don’t feel envious or greed when I hear about other peoples investing in design furniture or a fancy car. I don’t need fancy, smart or modern. I need God, the rest is just features that may look good in a future apartment.

I still spend too much though and there is a long way to go before I stop overspending. But I overspend on the things that matter to me: Time with my family and friends and traveling. It means that I went all out for New Years eve even though it was only me and my sister. I went all out for my birthday as well. Because I want to. Because I looove cooking and I love doing it for the people I deeply care about. It means that the “hang-over” days are spent on eating left overs and trying to spend as little as possible. I guess that is how I priorities, which means that there are other things that I cannot priorities right now. And I think that is one of my main realisations. That when you are focusing on your economy – it is important to have in mind, what one’s priorities and dreams are. And striving for them means sacrificing on other ends. What is important? What don’t I need?

I was reminded of a verse in the bible. That one where Gods giving “clothe” to the flowers on the meadow and takes care of the birds. The one that reminds me of the fact that if he provides for the flowers, the trees, the birds – why wouldn’t he take care of me? I mean he created man in his image. He gave his only son for us. For me. Why wouldn’t he take care of me. My situation. My finances. I remember times where he did. I remember situations I could only explain in the “God equation”. Then why is it so difficult for me to trust that he will not take care of me now?! I guess there are still things that I need to work on, and as I will be giving in the end of this month I will once more remind myself of how great God is and how I need to place my trust in him. He knows best.

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